Light Up The Dark

Last night was a strange place I don't think I ever wish to revisit. For once in my life I did not seem to be in control of my own actions.

I'm still feeling the effects of whatever caused this temporary insanity, but I can clearly see how dark and deranged I acted and typed.

I feel like the morning after the night before, yet I didn't drink alcohol. I am seriously assuming I was under the influence of some other drug without being aware of the fact. It is the only explanation as most people would describe me as having my head too firmly screwed on.

Life is strange, Love is a stranger.

TO

Bring Light To Dark Places

*BEFORE READING, play this and then continue with the article, it's my only hope for anyone to imagine where i am RIGHT NOW*



This is FUCKING insane. I just drove home from Manchester at 2.00am. I am sober, I have been drinking red bull yet I can only describe it as how I'd imagine a line of coke to be like. I'm so fucked...but its a strange head fucking. Like a intense head fuck. Swearing is the only way i will be able to portray the state of mind right now. I feel completely drained of thought but completely refreshingly awake at the same time.

I apologise for the incoherence, I will set the scene.

I was on a normal night out at a club in Manchester, when something suddenly clicked and I had to go home. Why, I cannot tell you but there is one thing about me...when I know something, I know it.

I leave alone. I get into my car, and drive about 2 minutes of the 15 minute journey and that song i have highlighted above comes on.

For no describable reason I go into a complete mind fuck.

It's nothing to do with the song or anything the song represents, or is it!? I'm literally lost in my own cerebral cortex. The music just doesn't seem to go loud enough, i'm turning and turning the volume to horrific levels, yet nothing. I can't drive fast enough, my foot to the floor. I want to crash, just to feel something. There is a bridge coming up, one which i often contemplate driving off in my darkest moments. Yet, in typical TO fashion, someone has beat me to it and there's a roadblock with a hole where the fencing used to be.

This is equal to adding another several swinging couples to the orgy of a head fuck that's occurring. I start crying and screaming. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I never do either.

Imagine yourself right now...crying and screaming at the top of your lungs...driving at ridiculous speeds with the volume maxed to the point your speakers are struggling...and not knowing what the fuck is going on or why.

The only thing that scares me in this life is my own brain and what occurred tonight. There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. While not everyone will agree with the genius part, I feel I crossed that very line tonight. I felt inspired to write the most intense piece of writing of my life yet had strange feelings that border on suicidal at the same time.

Any of my close friends can tell you i'm 99% totally screwed on, yet tonight I lost myself in a swirling darkness that engulfed my entire being. Re-reading this is doing nothing but making me realise how crazy the last 10 minutes of my life really has been.

I must sound like i've been experimenting with drugs, I honestly wish I had been, at least then there would be some explanation. I must appear to be completely and utterly unstable. I'd argue to my death i'm not, but maybe I am. I am willing to admit that I am so scared because for the first time I feel naked and judged. People ask me how I can share the very darkest things of my life...It's never bothered me, until now.

Now this has been written I almost feel purged of my sins, despite not knowing what my sins are.

I have never been totally out of control of emotions before, this is completely surreal to me. The only way to describe it is feeling imprisoned in your own mind.

Judge and be judged. I'm going to collapse somewhere.

:S

TO