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As inspiration strikes, I'll pick up my keyboard and scrawl my tired thoughts across this screen. Last night I had a dream and from what I can remember it was very simple but also monumental.
The Dream
I am older, mid-twenties, I'm at a friends house party and I wonder outside to see a female friend of mine, who I have always had a crush on, sat on the wall outside. What began as a normal scene started changing as a spoke to her. What originated as a night scene became the day with the most beautiful of sunrises behind her head. We spoke and clicked looking directly into each others eyes and everything made sense. Her hair fluttered in front of her brow due to the soft breeze, perfectly contrasting the light coming from behind her face. I stroked the brown hair away from her eyes and whispered, "you are so beautiful". I touched her cheek with my hand and gently pressed my lips against hers and the world stopped spinning.
This is when I woke and my chest ached to be back asleep and again in that moment. For some reason at that very moment I felt I had to tell someone. I texted one my closest friend and shared a laugh at my expense, but that was exactly what I needed. I calmed myself and began thinking logically. I knew exactly who the dream was about, but as I type this I begin to wonder. Am I crazy? Am I trying to persuade myself its wasnt, or am I persuade myself it was.
The questions posed by this dream have dominated my day. Am I happy that what was once a subconscious emotion has finally dawned? Or am I crippled by the fact that I don't think there is anything I can do about it and I can't tell this girl? Its such a beautiful, yet cold feeling.
I've spent months to get to this point of freedom, feeling completely at ease and not needing this kind of emotion and i'm extremely happy. But at the same time I want this moment for real, so badly it actually hurts. But then the very fact I'm saying this is making me question whether I'm insane, if she read this would she be scared? or find it sweet? or even possibly reciprocate?
As you can tell, I went to sleep with no questions and very happy, and I awoke to a million of them and totally confused. Another close friend says it happens all the time, I admire his honesty, but it made me feel like I don't want it to.
Do I want to dream the same again?
?
TO
Sometimes you can be really gay.
ReplyDeleteTell her how you feel. Lifes to short to hold back Tom x
ReplyDeleteAnon: Thanks for your input but next time try putting your name rather than being so cowardly.
ReplyDeleteKirsty: I know what your saying but I don't want to ruin a friendship either. And at the end of day it was a dream, do I believe the dream or ignore the dream?
TO
Hmm i know Tom, but if their really friends then they wouldn't want to loose a friendship even if they didn't feel the same. Go for it. I certainly don't know the cowardly Tom! ha x
ReplyDeleteThe heart wants what it wants, my friend.
ReplyDeleteAs Kirsty says life's way too short. It's probably better you tell her and find out if she feels the same: if she does then yay, if she doesn't then atleast you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what she would have said if you'd had the guts to tell her.
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
ReplyDeleteYes PJ, you think talking about a girl like this is gay?
ReplyDeleteno wonder you've been confused all these years!
TO